Battlefield Mars!

(With apologies to Andy Weir)

Day -1:
A crew member: "Lewis, do you REALLY want to spend more months traveling back to Earth with Watson? Trapped? In a small spacecraft?"

Lewis: "What are you proposing?"

Crew member: "An accident. A terrible accident that makes Watson a hero and means we can have a little peace and quiet on the way home. No actuarial table anecdotes. No spending hours comparing paint drying rates. No more braying 'I'm Sherlock Holmes' dimmer accomplice! HAW! HAW' We may actually get some work done on the way home."

Lewis: (Pauses a long while) "Can you make it look like an accident? I can't believe I'm even considering this....."

Day 1: 
Watson:
Some people would say "I'm really fucked now!" Personally, I don't like to use that kind of language. And gosh darn it, I'm up to this challenge! I mean, out of the entire crew, I'm the one most likely to survive in this situation, having decades of experience in the insurance industry, not to mention my experience painting spacecraft.

Piece. Of. Cake.

Granted, I was a little disappointed when we were driving the Mars Rover back to base in a sandstorm and someone suddenly pulled out a suppressed .45 and shot me. If I hadn't had one of my copies of 'Dianetics' in that pocket, I probably would have died. No other book would have been dense enough to stop a .45.

OK, here I am at the shelter. It really could use another coat of paint. This sunlight really bleaches the heck out of paint FAST. I'll need to start experimenting with more concentrated paint formulas if I want to keep the outside of this shelter looking professionally painted!

I sure hope those Twinkies I had stashed away are enough to keep me alive until the next Mars mission arrives.

Day 2:
Watson watches paint dry.

Day 3:
Watson watches paint dry.

Day 4:
Watson watches paint dry.

Day 68:
Watson:
I nearly died today when I forgot to adequately ventilate my paint experimentation lab and the fumes got to me. One minute I was just about to settle in and watch the paint dry and the next minute I was CHOWING DOWN Twinkies and looking out the window at a cloud of hundreds of savage bats flying towards the shelter.

I don't think there are bats on Mars.

Day 73:
Mission Control:
Brianna Wu: "Excuse me, Mr Holmes. Do you have a minute?"

Sherlock Homes: "I am on my way to a meeting. Can we talk on the way?"

Brianna: "Certainly. Sir, I think Watson may have survived that accident on Mars!"

Sherlock: "Impossible. We arranged, er, what makes you say that?"

Brianna: "Look at these pictures. Sir, somebody keeps painting the outside of the shelter, Over and over and over."

Sherlock: "Could be Martians. I need more to go on."

Brianna: "Also, somebody carved 'Xenu was here!' on Olympus Mons yesterday in 20 foot letters. And then painted them."

Sherlock: "Damn. Er, IT'S A MIRACLE! OK Brianna, it's up to you to find a way to talk to Watson and contact him twice daily."

Brianna: "Damn."

Sherlock: "That boy has some serious expense reports to get caught up on! It's all about ethics in expense accounting."

Day 105:
Watson watches paint dry.

Day 130:
Watson watches paint dry and then recalculates actuarial tables.

Day 130:
Watson watches paint dry.

Day 163:
Mission Control:
Brianna Wu: "Excuse me, Mr. Sagan, could you explain the intricacies of Martian vs Earth expense reports again?"

Day 185:
Watson watches paint dry.

Day 190:
Watson watches paint dry.

Day 305:
Martian orbit:
Watson is saved in a dramatic orbital maneuver.

Day 307:
Returning to Earth:
Watson is "accidentally lost out an airlock with no suit and a stake through his heart."